Hokey smoke! Deadline!
That may mean nothing to you, but to me–a noted columnist–it means everything! Here I sit, well after midnight, starting a column that should have been sent in more than 12 hours ago!
Fraught with concern? You bet I am! Because now I’m supposed to be reeling off mini-reviews of The World’s Best New Records–and I have to admit that, uh, actually, I haven’t heard any lately!
Why? Because for the past two weeks–for reasons peculiar only to me–I’ve been listening to The Junk No One Ever Plays!
Share my joy!
TALL TALES AND TRUE Shiver (rooArt) OK, maybe there is a 1989 copyright date on this baby–but heck, that was the year I had my first kid! Anyway, good stuff–plus, there’s a guy named Mark Snarski on this record that I know must be related to that singer from the Blackeyed Susans, who I now like loads! And get this: I wouldn’t have cared then! It’s good I never played this before! 3/5
PALE DIVINE Straight To Goodbye (Atlantic) So sue me that I never heard this in 1991! At least I didn’t sell it! Not like those enquiring trade magazine writers who call me and say, “Hey, Binky, I just saw Love Spit Love last night and they were great and their guitarist used to be in Pale Divine do you remember what label they were on maybe I can still get one.” At least take a breath, dude! 2.5/5
CHAGALL GUEVARA Chagall Guevara (MCA) Maybe I played this advance tape and thought it was good in 1991, then didn’t like the album cover! Or maybe it’s just because I’m from Miami and I involuntarily fail to pay attention to commonly-heard Cuban last names! Either way, I know now that if I’d have given these guys the review they deserved four years ago, they’d be the next Mariah Carey or something! Darn! 4/5
WORLD ON EDGE World On Edge (Charisma) Maybe you read this band’s bio in 1990. Maybe you know if they came from Canada or West Germany. It’s hard to tell! All I know is, the artwork’s crappy, the lead singer sounds like Barry Holdship, and–the big bummer–U2’s famous guitarist is not the slightest bit involved! And they could’ve been bigger than Fugazi! 2/5
DOUGHBOYS Happy Accidents (Restless) In 1990, all my pals were telling me I’d like the Doughboys–but did I care? No! I had things to do! And listening to Canadian bands signed to labels that would send their CDs out with those cheap, crappy clear plastic jewel boxes that always broke was not included! 3.5/5
THE NYMPHS The Nymphs (DGC) Hey, don’t I live here or something? Why didn’t I play this four years ago? Was it because they were signed to their label by the same guy who signed Guns N’ Roses and were going to be huge so it didn’t matter? I forget! And the nutty babe who sings “your Velvet Underground records won’t help”–she’s the same one who pissed on that guy’s desk? Guess what she just did in my ears! 1/5
TOTO Kingdom Of Desire (Relativity) OK, I confess! This is sort of a new one, even though it’s got a 1992 copyright on it! The main reason I like it is because of the guitarist’s last name! Steve “Lukather.” It’s so handy! What did one guy say to the other guy when the beautiful girl walked by? “Hey, man, `lukather’!” What did the psycho killer say to the district attorney? “I had the axe in my hand, and suddenly I just wanted to `lukather’!” What do you get when you break this CD really hard on your forehead? Seven years’ bad âlukatherâ! All this and I get to listen to Can, too! I love my job! 5/5
(BAM, sometime in 1996)