Entry for July 12, 2006

by

I LOVE MY SHIRT

COMBAT TOUR LIVE: The Ultimate Revenge

(Combat Video)

If you’re like me–bored with life itself, six-foot-three-and-three-quarters, from Miami, incredibly handsome, something of a jerk, capable of writing words when every fiber of your being screams “DRINK ME”–well, wait a minute, even if you’re not like me, and merely wondering why anybody in their right mind would write such words when they could be out there having the time of their lives grooving to the life experience itself, which you very well may be, you’ll want to read all about this tape, which is called The Ultimate Revenge and features three of the hippest metal bands you’ll ever see for rest of your life, Slayer, Venom and Exodus, who are absolutely the ultimate in heavy meta1, the final logical conclusion to the metal scene in toto, and are available now, gloriously, on this spectacular videocassette.

You’ll love it, and one of the reasons you’ll love it is because it represents the burning underside of today’s hippest rock–which is to say that there are parallels here with the ultra-cool bands of the late ’60s, the bands that entire cults grew up around, like take the Blue Cheer for instance, who recorded the two best heavy metal albums ever, Vincebus Eruptum and Outside/Inside, which of course the three bands here could never hope to approach were they to record album after album from here to eternity, which is what one of their albums would probably be called eventually anyway, but that’s straying from the point, and there is a point to be made here: If there is a future to heavy metal, one which will not end up being glorified by the MTV-ish legions that make cartoon figures out of such laughable “bands” as Motley Crue and Ratt, for example, it will be in bands like Slayer, Venom and Exodus, bands that are musically or conceptually superior and play in a blur of speed, emotion and all-out physical prowess that will probably knock the socks off of anybody who might not be aware of their existence, and there’s reason to believe that there are many out there who aren’t.

I like all three of these bands a lot, probably Slayer the most, if you care, and you probably don’t, and for that I can’t blame you, but what the heck, I’m me and you’re you, so, getting on with it, consider that this videocassette is recorded in Hi-Fi sound, it is loud, so loud, and it is very intense, so intense in fact that you won’t mind that a large portion of the bands’ lyrics are undecipherable, which is all for the best because–and here comes these bands’ sole weak points–those same lyrics are all about Satan, the witching hour, the Antichrist, the strike of the Beast and Hell awaiting, which it may or may not be, I don’t know or especially care, since if it happens it happens and all that, but anyway these lyrical concerns are really stupid, I think, and you probably think too, or, I should say, think so too, and the sort of thing I suppose these bands feel they should be singing about.

They shouldn’t.

If you’d like to know what I think they should be singing about, you’ll have to picture the current metal scene, in which a massive portion of the audience is male, clad in leather and denim and–oddly–seemingly not too bright, which is just a personal opinion, understand, but I think maybe a wee bit accurate, so let’s stop discussing it, and instead picture these same macho legions raising their leather-clad fists heavenward and chanting for the Ultimate Metal Band Of ’87, which will have a really sharp name like Daisy, Betty, Sisyphus, Gladys or Stephanie and will consist entirely of males, the uglier the better, you see, but they should have good bodies and stuff, and instead of singing about going to hell because they’ve kissed the balls o’ Baal they’ll play the fastest thrash metal ever imaginable, so fast it burns and makes Slayer and Exodus and lggy Pop’s “Gimme Some Skin” and all that other crap sound like Windham Hill stuff, and, let me stress once more, the guys in the band should be almost physical duplicates of their audience but somewhat cooler-looking, so that the audience itself would want to emulate the band in looks and attitude, and would want to sing along to lyrics like:

I am a big sissy

I wear my sister’s clothes

I want more lipstick

I am no good at sports

I get really good grades

I sweat a lot

And stink

And girls don’t like me

And I like them but

I don’t care because

I read lots of books and

Go to church and

Enjoy my many pets

I like tropical fish

Do you?

And metal music is for pansies

Pansies are flowers

We almost called ourselves Daisy

But we didn’t

Can you guys in the audience

Get us dates?

We get nervous a lot

Sometimes we stutter

And have really small

Private parts

But who are we to bother

Sharing our problems with you?

We are sissies

Sissies

And we embrace

Pink things

And lisp

And read Garfield

And go to church

And sweat a lot

Yoo Hoo, Yoo Hoo, Yoo Hoo

Yoo hoo.

What does this all this have to do with the hardcore metal scene ’86, let alone the wondrous videocassette that’s being discussed here? It isn’t related in the slightest. Nonetheless, if you like heavy metal, and here’s hoping you do, you’ll go out of your way to get this tape–which is available for $29.95 from IRD Mail Order, 149-03 Guy R. Brewster Blvd., Jamaica, NY 11434–and realize that there is only one proper direction for metal to take in the late ’80s, and the folks at Combat Record with bands like Slayer, Exodus, Venom, Bathory, Abattoir and Megadeth, are very much aware of it.

(CREEM, August 1986)

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