MARTIN: OK, the review starts here.
HAL: I’d like to say that you guys really shouldn’t be reviewing this record. Because my opinion about it is really strong, and also correct.
MARTIN: Can you explain that?
HAL: Well, it’s probably the finest record I’ve heard in a long time. I was real, real surprised–even, you might say, astonished. I was shocked. It was weird. What a feeling.
MARTIN: I think you’re understating the case.
HAL: I was elevated. I was spiritually lifted, really.
MARTIN: You’re not saying enough about how good this record is. Let’s consider a few things: Motorhead are, of course, the best band that will ever exist. Second of all, this is a double record set. Third of all, it’s a double record set with their greatest hits. That’s like saying, “This is God’s God’s God.”
HAL: You can look at the liner notes…
JESSE: Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
HAL: No, let me handle this. There’s quotes from Lemmy, where he introduces the song and says stuff like “Jesus Christ.” I mean, it’s really cool–notes to introduce this stuff.
JESSE: You guys are overrating this a little bit. I mean…
MARTIN: Get lost! You’re wrong! What do ya mean, “overrating”?
JESSE: You’re overrating a little bit, I think. I mean, there’s better bands than Motorhead.
MARTIN: Name one!
MARTIN: Well, aside from Belfegore. Name another one.
JESSE: The Beatles.
MARTIN: Absolutely wrong! Spoken like the wimp that you are! I don’t think there’s any question–do you guys?–that this is the greatest album that ever existed.
JESSE: I demur.
HAL: Well, I’ll have to say … you mean, up ’til now?
MARTIN: No. Albums that will ever possibly come out by anybody.
HAL: I can’t speak for eternity. Up ’til now, yeah, granted…
MARTIN: You are not making a strong enough commitment. I can speak for eternity–it is the greatest album that will ever exist.
JESSE: You know what’s the greatest thing about the album? One of the best songs on this is the newest song, a brand new song.
MARTIN: So? You mean, “Killed By Death?” That’s really good, but…
HAL: But “Ace Of Spades” is quintessential Motorhead. It sounds better, even better than early Stooges. Fuck the early Stooges … cuz this be better! This be the hotter record–and you even admit, Mr. Beatle-wimp critic, that it sounds like the Stooges!
JESSE: I don’t think he sings as good as Iggy did, though.
HAL: Yeah he does.
JESSE: I don’t think so.
MARTIN: You’re forgetting the vital point–Iggy never played anything when he sang with the Stooges. Lemmy is such an incredible singer that he can not only sing, but play those bass runs like no other bassist beforeâ¦
JESSE: And on top of that…
MARTIN: Paul McCartney included.
JESSE: On top of that, they’re kind of sexist. That song “Jailbait,” read the lyrics…
HAL: That’s what’s so good about them! What do ya mean, “kind of sexist”?
MARTIN: What’s wrong with sexism?
HAL: No Remorse, that’s the title–they got “no remorse” about being sexist or anything else.
MARTIN: Look, consider the fact that this record is…
JESSE: Oh, it’s real hip to cover “Louie, Louie.”
HAL: Cover? They wrote it!
MARTIN: Consider the fact that … this record is the best record ever! If they condone sexism, then there’s no question–it’s OK!
HAL: In other words, we can all learn a lesson for our personal life from this record.
MARTIN: Many lessons. You’ve heard of the food of the gods? This is the disc of the gods!
JESSE: (Points to the LP cover) What’re the dots over the “O” supposed to mean?
MARTIN: Those are umlauts, like the Nazis–isn’t that neat? (laughs)
HAL: That’s like Nazi-type Germanic script. Plus that’s German-type writing, which is also ultra-cool.
MARTIN: I think you’ll agree that most metal is based on cool images, like metal, Nazis, SS and loud, loud volume–painful volume.
HAL: But Motorhead does it so well. Plus, no one’s mentioned that this album is available in leather. We should mention it, for the consumers.
JESSE: Why don’t you guys just admit it–Motorhead are pretty good at what they do because deep down low, they’ve got a lot of intelligence. And it’s all tongue-in-cheek. Motorhead’s like…
HAL: Are you trying to sneak those comments into this review? Is that what you’re trying to do?
JESSE: Yes. They’re like a better version of Spinal Tap. That’s what Motorhead are.
MARTIN: Totally incorrect. You just don’t get it. You think it’s a joke, but the joke is you. Your taste and your life. You don’t appreciate Motorhead, and you shouldn’t be in this room with us–because we know about Motorhead, and you simply never will. I HATE YOU!
—Martin Dio, Hal Jordan and Jesse Grace
(CREEM CLOSE-UP: METAL ROCK âNâ ROLL, May 1985)