Archive for August, 2006

Entry for August 31, 2006

August 31, 2006

LAFF CORNER!

Joe knew he had been a bad man all his life, so he was not surprised to meet Satan at the gates of hell when he died.

“Hello, Joe,” said Satan. “Welcome to your new home.”

Resigned to his fate, Joe glumly replied, “I suppose you’re going to throw me into a pit of fire or something now.”

Satan shook his head. “Oh no, Joe, Hell isn’t at all like you’ve heard in all those stories. In fact, your eternal torment will be of your own choosing.” Satan pointed behind him to three doors. “Here, I’ll show you.”

The pair of them strolled over to the doors. “See, Joe, here’s what we offer down here. You can look inside each of these doors, see what’s behind them, and then tell me where you’d prefer to be placed. And that’s where you’ll spend the remainder of eternity.”

Joe found that odd, and, assuming the worst, expected some sort of nasty trick from Satan. “Check out Door No. 1,” he said to Joe, opening it. Inside, he saw a cavernous, fiery area filled with naked people shoveling coal under the watchful eye of hideous demons snapping whips.

“That doesn’t look so good,” said Joe.

They strolled over to the next door. “Take a look inside No. 2,” said Satan. Behind the door, he saw a massive vat filled with snakes, spiders, and what appeared to be giant, snapping lobsters. Also in the vat were the bloodied forms of people in apparent agony, screaming, moaning and tearful.

“Hmm, I dunno,” said Joe. “That looks terrible.”

The pair strolled over to Door No. 3, and Satan looked sternly at Joe. “Remember,” he said, “You’re going to have to choose what’s behind one of these doors.”

What was behind Door No. 3 puzzled Joe at first. It appeared to be a huge cavern, flooded with brownish water, in which thousands of people stood—water up to their shins—eating coffee and donuts. Joe watched, cautiously, waiting for some curious turn of events to take place inside the cavern, but nothing happened.

“Hey, this doesn’t look so bad,” Joe told Satan. “Here’s where I’ll go.”

Satan grinned, standing at the door’s entrance, and motioned for Joe to enter. When Joe entered, the door slammed behind him, and he noticed a large table stacked with cups of coffee and boxes of donuts. He grabbed a donut, poured himself a cup of coffee, and waded into the brownish muck. Upon closer examination, he noticed the muck bore the unmistakable smell of human excrement. It wasn’t pleasant, but he’d smelled much worse.

Suddenly, the door reopened, and Satan again stood at the entrance. “OK everybody,” he bellowed, “Coffee break’s over—back on your heads!”

Miffed, Joe looked back at Satan. “You’ve got to be kidding! That would be extremely unpleasant! No way!”

Satan looked puzzled. “What—you mean, you don’t want to do it?”

Joe stared forcefully at Satan. “Absolutely not!”

Looking preoccupied, Satan looked down at his wristwatch. “Umm…OK, never mind.” The door closed again.

“Boy,” said Joe to himself. “That was close!”

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Entry for August 31, 2006

August 31, 2006

LAFF CORNER!

Joe knew he had been a bad man all his life, so he was not surprised to meet Satan at the gates of hell when he died.

“Hello, Joe,” said Satan. “Welcome to your new home.”

Resigned to his fate, Joe glumly replied, “I suppose you’re going to throw me into a pit of fire or something now.”

Satan shook his head. “Oh no, Joe, Hell isn’t at all like you’ve heard in all those stories. In fact, your eternal torment will be of your own choosing.” Satan pointed behind him to three doors. “Here, I’ll show you.”

The pair of them strolled over to the doors. “See, Joe, here’s what we offer down here. You can look inside each of these doors, see what’s behind them, and then tell me where you’d prefer to be placed. And that’s where you’ll spend the remainder of eternity.”

Joe found that odd, and, assuming the worst, expected some sort of nasty trick from Satan. “Check out Door No. 1,” he said to Joe, opening it. Inside, he saw a cavernous, fiery area filled with naked people shoveling coal under the watchful eye of hideous demons snapping whips.

“That doesn’t look so good,” said Joe.

They strolled over to the next door. “Take a look inside No. 2,” said Satan. Behind the door, he saw a massive vat filled with snakes, spiders, and what appeared to be giant, snapping lobsters. Also in the vat were the bloodied forms of people in apparent agony, screaming, moaning and tearful.

“Hmm, I dunno,” said Joe. “That looks terrible.”

The pair strolled over to Door No. 3, and Satan looked sternly at Joe. “Remember,” he said, “You’re going to have to choose what’s behind one of these doors.”

What was behind Door No. 3 puzzled Joe at first. It appeared to be a huge cavern, flooded with brownish water, in which thousands of people stood—water up to their shins—eating coffee and donuts. Joe watched, cautiously, waiting for some curious turn of events to take place inside the cavern, but nothing happened.

“Hey, this doesn’t look so bad,” Joe told Satan. “Here’s where I’ll go.”

Satan grinned, standing at the door’s entrance, and motioned for Joe to enter. When Joe entered, the door slammed behind him, and he noticed a large table stacked with cups of coffee and boxes of donuts. He grabbed a donut, poured himself a cup of coffee, and waded into the brownish muck. Upon closer examination, he noticed the muck bore the unmistakable smell of human excrement. It wasn’t pleasant, but he’d smelled much worse.

Suddenly, the door reopened, and Satan again stood at the entrance. “OK everybody,” he bellowed, “Coffee break’s over—back on your heads!”

Miffed, Joe looked back at Satan. “You’ve got to be kidding! That would be extremely unpleasant! No way!”

Satan looked puzzled. “What—you mean, you don’t want to do it?”

Joe stared forcefully at Satan. “Absolutely not!”

Looking preoccupied, Satan looked down at his wristwatch. “Umm…OK, never mind.” The door closed again.

“Boy,” said Joe to himself. “That was close!”

Entry for August 30, 2006

August 30, 2006

POPPED CULTURE THEATER
episode 010, 1st draft
“ASHLEE SIMPSON”
by
Dave DiMartino


FADE IN:

int. theater – onstage

Sitting in his chair is OTIS FIGBY, holding a book in his lap with cover visibly titled THE WISDOM OF P.T. BARNUM.

OTIS FIGBY

Otis Figby here, to tell offer the cautionary tale of a young woman who appeared to have everything imaginable going for her, the tale of a young woman at the right place at the right time, the tale of a woman destined for international superstardom by almost divine design. Her name was Ashlee Simpson, she was to be the superstar of the century, and this is her story.

Lights fade, curtain opens. Setting is a deluxe record company office. Sitting at a conference table are LABEL PRESIDENT, LABEL FLUNKY, MR. SIMPSON and his daughter ASHLEE. They are wrapping up a business discussion.

LABEL PRESIDENT

So it’s the perfect plan–we’ll have cameras everywhere shooting everything while we’re actually making the record! And Ashlee, you can pretend you’re nervous about it all while we’re doing it. It’ll be high drama and it’ll make us millions!

LABEL FLUNKY

(acting moronically subserviently, tongue panting like a dog’s) Nervous! Drama! Millions! Heee!

LABEL PRESIDENT throws bone-shaped wafer at Flunky, Flunky leaps up and catches in his mouth.

MR. SIMPSON

(dressed in leisure suit with flower in his lapel, gold chains, smoking cigar) Hmm…yeah, sounds promising. Maybe it’ll light a fire under Jessica’s butt. She’s been threatening to go public about her Ph.D in biotechnology if I don’t (makes quotation marks with the fingers of his hands) “give her some space.” Like, sheesh–talk about blowing her image!

ASHLEE SIMPSON

(with black hair, looking frustrated, speaking to her father) But Daddy! What’s wrong with getting an education? Don’t you think…

LABEL PRESIDENT

(Indifferently cutting her off) Yeah, let’s just get her dolled up, market her as the punk version of her sister, and maybe get her together with Limp Bizkit for some street cred.

LABEL FLUNKY

(with increased enthusiasm) Biscuit! Biscuit!

Label president throws another wafer at flunky, who catches it in his mouth again.

LABEL FLUNKY

(in background)Yummy! Yummy!

MR. SIMPSON

Okay, it’s a deal. Send the paperwork over later and we’re on it.

As everyone rises from the table, ASHLEE glares disbelievingly at her father

ASHLEE SIMPSON

But daddy, I didn’t spend seven years with the Royal Ballet to be a punk rock singer! We both know I can’t even sing!

A pregnant pause of absolute silence as LABEL PRESIDENT, LABEL FLUNKY and MR. SIMPSON all exchange nervous glances. After three seconds, the three simultaneously break out in uproarious laughter as the camera closes in on ASHLEE’S horrified face.

OTIS FIGBY

But it would be a trial by fire for the younger Simpson sibling, as her own TV show aired and her debut album indeed met great success. The momentum and the demand for Ashlee mounted. And few can forget that one historic night on Saturday Night Live.

Scene is onstage at the SNL set, with ASHLEE holding a microphone in her hands, band behind her.

SNL ANNOUNCER

(offscreen) Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Ashlee Simpson!

As music intro plays, Ashlee holds microphone at her waist and is obviously jarred when another woman’s voice emanates loudly from the PA. As the voice speaks, Ashlee grins in recognition.

DISEMBODIED P.A. VOICE

Ladies and gentleman, this is Jessica Simpson, and I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that my sister Ashlee and I are being held prisoner by our father’s ridiculously high show business aspirations. I, in fact, have a doctorate in bio-technology and my poor little sister here has studied for years at the Royal Ballet…

At the side of the stage, MR. SIMPSON stares on aghast. He catches the eye of a nearby technician.

MR. SIMPSON

Find that tape and cut it off!! Cut it off now!!

Scene shifts back to stage as Jessica voice is abruptly cut off.

ASHLEE SIMPSON

(speaking into her now-working microphone) Now I’d like to offer my interpretation of the closing scene of Swan Lake(looking at her feet)…though sadly, I didn’t think to wear myballet slippers…

Chorus of booing emerges from the studio audience as the camera goes long…

Scene shifts back to side of stage

MR. SIMPSON

Just wait until I get those girls home!

Scene shifts back to deluxe record company office, as OTIS FIGBY’s voice is heard.

OTIS FIGBY

(voiceover) And when the time came for a new ASHLEE SIMPSON album, clearly a change of strategy was called for. Luckily the brightest marketing minds in the music industry had just the fix!

LABEL PRESIDENT

OK, see we figure after the big brouhaha with the last album, we’ve gotta come back strong with an album that unveils a brand new Ashlee Simpson. An honest, real, Ashlee Simpson. So we’re gonna bleach your hair and we’re gonna call it I Am Me.

MR. SIMPSON

Yeah. Yeah. (with mounting enthusiasm). Yeah!

LABEL PRESIDENT

(to Ashlee) What do ya think, babe?

ASHLEE SIMPSON

(Staring at both LABEL PRESIDENT and MR. SIMPSON with obvious disdain) What do I think? I think the title’s inaccurate, for starters! And I think I’m leaving to join the ballet and I’m not never coming back!

ASHLEE departs the office and slams the door angrily behind her. LABEL PRESIDENT gives MR. SIMPSON a withering glare.

LABEL PRESIDENT

So now what do we do, smart guy? You owe us!!

MR. SIMPSON

(obviously nervous, he breaks into a sudden sweat until a light bulb suddenly appears over his head. Then he grins.) Tell you what. You just hold that thought, and I’ll be back in an hour.

Scene shifts to massive Beverly Hills mansion with “Simpsons”on a conspicuous mailbox. MR. SIMPSON pulls in the driveway, jumps out of his sports car, and runs into the house. He swiftly runs upstairs and down a hall to a large double-doorway bearing the legend DAUGHTER DORMITORY. He opens the door and walks into a massive auditorium-sized barracks filled with frilly stuffed animals and pink-canopied beds. Occupying the room are at least two dozen extremely attractive blonde girls.

MR. SIMPSON

OK, who wants to make a record next?

DAUGHTERS

(in unison) Me, daddy! Me, Me!

MR. SIMPSON

(pointing at the closest daughter, dressed in a bikini and ultra-ultra-sexy. He looks her up and down.) OK, Gabriella, you’ll do!

GABRIELLA

Ooh, goodie! (grins gorgeously, then suddenly stops) But wait a minute, Daddy! I can’t even sing!

MR. SIMPSON

That’s OK, baby… (smirking) Neither can I!

Girls and their father laugh uproariously loud, knowingly, as pillow fight and floating-feather scenario ensues, then fades.

THE END

Entry for August 30, 2006

August 30, 2006

POPPED CULTURE THEATER
episode 010, 1st draft
“ASHLEE SIMPSON”
by
Dave DiMartino


FADE IN:

int. theater – onstage

Sitting in his chair is OTIS FIGBY, holding a book in his lap with cover visibly titled THE WISDOM OF P.T. BARNUM.

OTIS FIGBY

Otis Figby here, to tell offer the cautionary tale of a young woman who appeared to have everything imaginable going for her, the tale of a young woman at the right place at the right time, the tale of a woman destined for international superstardom by almost divine design. Her name was Ashlee Simpson, she was to be the superstar of the century, and this is her story.

Lights fade, curtain opens. Setting is a deluxe record company office. Sitting at a conference table are LABEL PRESIDENT, LABEL FLUNKY, MR. SIMPSON and his daughter ASHLEE. They are wrapping up a business discussion.

LABEL PRESIDENT

So it’s the perfect plan–we’ll have cameras everywhere shooting everything while we’re actually making the record! And Ashlee, you can pretend you’re nervous about it all while we’re doing it. It’ll be high drama and it’ll make us millions!

LABEL FLUNKY

(acting moronically subserviently, tongue panting like a dog’s) Nervous! Drama! Millions! Heee!

LABEL PRESIDENT throws bone-shaped wafer at Flunky, Flunky leaps up and catches in his mouth.

MR. SIMPSON

(dressed in leisure suit with flower in his lapel, gold chains, smoking cigar) Hmm…yeah, sounds promising. Maybe it’ll light a fire under Jessica’s butt. She’s been threatening to go public about her Ph.D in biotechnology if I don’t (makes quotation marks with the fingers of his hands) “give her some space.” Like, sheesh–talk about blowing her image!

ASHLEE SIMPSON

(with black hair, looking frustrated, speaking to her father) But Daddy! What’s wrong with getting an education? Don’t you think…

LABEL PRESIDENT

(Indifferently cutting her off) Yeah, let’s just get her dolled up, market her as the punk version of her sister, and maybe get her together with Limp Bizkit for some street cred.

LABEL FLUNKY

(with increased enthusiasm) Biscuit! Biscuit!

Label president throws another wafer at flunky, who catches it in his mouth again.

LABEL FLUNKY

(in background)Yummy! Yummy!

MR. SIMPSON

Okay, it’s a deal. Send the paperwork over later and we’re on it.

As everyone rises from the table, ASHLEE glares disbelievingly at her father

ASHLEE SIMPSON

But daddy, I didn’t spend seven years with the Royal Ballet to be a punk rock singer! We both know I can’t even sing!

A pregnant pause of absolute silence as LABEL PRESIDENT, LABEL FLUNKY and MR. SIMPSON all exchange nervous glances. After three seconds, the three simultaneously break out in uproarious laughter as the camera closes in on ASHLEE’S horrified face.

OTIS FIGBY

But it would be a trial by fire for the younger Simpson sibling, as her own TV show aired and her debut album indeed met great success. The momentum and the demand for Ashlee mounted. And few can forget that one historic night on Saturday Night Live.

Scene is onstage at the SNL set, with ASHLEE holding a microphone in her hands, band behind her.

SNL ANNOUNCER

(offscreen) Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Ashlee Simpson!

As music intro plays, Ashlee holds microphone at her waist and is obviously jarred when another woman’s voice emanates loudly from the PA. As the voice speaks, Ashlee grins in recognition.

DISEMBODIED P.A. VOICE

Ladies and gentleman, this is Jessica Simpson, and I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that my sister Ashlee and I are being held prisoner by our father’s ridiculously high show business aspirations. I, in fact, have a doctorate in bio-technology and my poor little sister here has studied for years at the Royal Ballet…

At the side of the stage, MR. SIMPSON stares on aghast. He catches the eye of a nearby technician.

MR. SIMPSON

Find that tape and cut it off!! Cut it off now!!

Scene shifts back to stage as Jessica voice is abruptly cut off.

ASHLEE SIMPSON

(speaking into her now-working microphone) Now I’d like to offer my interpretation of the closing scene of Swan Lake(looking at her feet)…though sadly, I didn’t think to wear myballet slippers…

Chorus of booing emerges from the studio audience as the camera goes long…

Scene shifts back to side of stage

MR. SIMPSON

Just wait until I get those girls home!

Scene shifts back to deluxe record company office, as OTIS FIGBY’s voice is heard.

OTIS FIGBY

(voiceover) And when the time came for a new ASHLEE SIMPSON album, clearly a change of strategy was called for. Luckily the brightest marketing minds in the music industry had just the fix!

LABEL PRESIDENT

OK, see we figure after the big brouhaha with the last album, we’ve gotta come back strong with an album that unveils a brand new Ashlee Simpson. An honest, real, Ashlee Simpson. So we’re gonna bleach your hair and we’re gonna call it I Am Me.

MR. SIMPSON

Yeah. Yeah. (with mounting enthusiasm). Yeah!

LABEL PRESIDENT

(to Ashlee) What do ya think, babe?

ASHLEE SIMPSON

(Staring at both LABEL PRESIDENT and MR. SIMPSON with obvious disdain) What do I think? I think the title’s inaccurate, for starters! And I think I’m leaving to join the ballet and I’m not never coming back!

ASHLEE departs the office and slams the door angrily behind her. LABEL PRESIDENT gives MR. SIMPSON a withering glare.

LABEL PRESIDENT

So now what do we do, smart guy? You owe us!!

MR. SIMPSON

(obviously nervous, he breaks into a sudden sweat until a light bulb suddenly appears over his head. Then he grins.) Tell you what. You just hold that thought, and I’ll be back in an hour.

Scene shifts to massive Beverly Hills mansion with “Simpsons”on a conspicuous mailbox. MR. SIMPSON pulls in the driveway, jumps out of his sports car, and runs into the house. He swiftly runs upstairs and down a hall to a large double-doorway bearing the legend DAUGHTER DORMITORY. He opens the door and walks into a massive auditorium-sized barracks filled with frilly stuffed animals and pink-canopied beds. Occupying the room are at least two dozen extremely attractive blonde girls.

MR. SIMPSON

OK, who wants to make a record next?

DAUGHTERS

(in unison) Me, daddy! Me, Me!

MR. SIMPSON

(pointing at the closest daughter, dressed in a bikini and ultra-ultra-sexy. He looks her up and down.) OK, Gabriella, you’ll do!

GABRIELLA

Ooh, goodie! (grins gorgeously, then suddenly stops) But wait a minute, Daddy! I can’t even sing!

MR. SIMPSON

That’s OK, baby… (smirking) Neither can I!

Girls and their father laugh uproariously loud, knowingly, as pillow fight and floating-feather scenario ensues, then fades.

THE END

Entry for August 29, 2006

August 29, 2006

POPPED CULTURE THEATER
episode 009, 1st draft
“MARIAH CAREY”
by
Dave DiMartino

FADE IN:

int. theater – onstage

Sitting in his chair is OTIS FIGBY, dressed in white doctor clothes. He is reading a book with cover visibly titled THE LIMITS OF HUMAN HEARING

OTIS FIGBY

Otis Figby here, to tell the tale of one of the biggest-selling recording artists of all time. A one-time back-up singer who through a fairytale marriage and a series of lucky breaks became a vertitable living legend. Woman, goddess, and a phenomenon of our time, she is Mariah Carey, and this is her story.

Lights fade, curtain opens. Setting is control room of a recording studio, in which TWO ENGINEERS look at their recording consoles while MARIAH CAREY, on the other side of the glass, is reaching for and finally sustaining an impossibly high note.

ENGINEER 1

Don’t forget—if we mess this up, we’re outta here. I just heard she’s gonna marry the big boss man at her label!

ENGINEER 2

(looking at his instruments, dismayed, as MARIAH’s voice climbs) Oh my god, look! That note’s so high, her mic can’t take it!

ENGINEER 1

(staring unbelievingly as smoke starts rising from the soundboard) Sheesh! There goes the limiter!

Scene briefly cuts to visual of the ocean, waves lapping, as music cue reminiscent of JAWS THEME plays ominously. Then scene returns to studio, this time from MARIAH’s perspective, where studio window SHATTERS and engineers stare wide-eyed.

MARIAH CAREY

(with extremely thick, unattractive NY accent, ignoring glass shattering)So how was that, boys? Is it gonna be a hit?

ENGINEER 1

(with feigned enthusiasm) Yes, Miss Carey! Yes, Miss Carey!

ENGINEER 2

(with feigned enthusiasm) Completely off the charts, Mariah!

ENGINEER 1

(quietly to ENGINEER 2) Shut up, you idiot!

OTIS FIGBY

Smashing every sales record imaginable, Mariah did indeed marry the head of her record company. But sadly, it wouldn’t last. By 2001, she left that label and tried her hand in the film world. It was, to be charitable, a colorful time for her. And us.

Scene is a red carpet gala film premiere, with GLITTER conspicuously large on the theatre marquee. Surrounded by reporters carrying cameras and microphones, a dazed-looking Mariah is bombarded with seemingly random questions.

REPORTER 1

Mariah, Mariah, who’s your favorite football team?

MARIAH CAREY

(oblivious to the stupidity of question) Uh..the Dolphins?

REPORTER 2

I heard you love punk rock! Who’s your favorite band ever?

MARIAH CAREY

(puzzled by question, but answering dutifully) Uh..Flipper?

REPORTER 3

(pompously) Miss Carey, do you believe that life is a series of random occurrences—many of them painful– ultimately lacking any meaning whatsoever? Or do you believe that we were all put here for a special purpose?

MARIAH CAREY

(barely paying attention, looking preoccupied by her surroundings) Uh…purpose.

OTIS FIGBY

Tragically, Glitter was not the box office smash many had hoped for, and Mariah and her new record company quickly parted ways—though not before she was given 28 million dollars in return. Some thought her career might be over, but plucky Mariah fooled everyone. By 2005, her new album The Emancipation Of Mimi was a surprise smash among fans of every persuasion.

Scene is exterior view of large oceanside structure with signage indicating INSTITUTE OF DOLPHIN RESEARCH. Zoom to rear area, where TWO MEN IN WHITE COATS are speaking while dolphins frolic in large seawater pool behind them.

MAN IN WHITE COAT 1

Doctor Bender, I finally figured out why truckloads of that weird CD keep getting sent here!

MAN IN WHITE COAT 2

About time. Accounting is going crazy with all those bills we keep getting!

MAN IN WHITE COAT 1

(pointing off camera) Check out the Internet experiment. Somebody from corporate gave Bobo the corporate account number!

Pan to seawater pool, where computer monitor and keyboard sit near edge and BOBO THE DOLPHIN industriously types away with his bottlenose. Dollar transaction signs flash on monitor while music plays loudly over pool speakers. As Mariah’s voice shrieks wildly into the upper ranges, a dozen dolphins, heads above water, sway in time to music. Close up on two particular dolphins.

DOLPHIN 1

EEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “She is saying that she loves me and wants to marry me!”

DOLPHIN 2

EEEEEEE-EEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “No! She is saying that she longs to be MY soulmate!”

DOLPHINS 1 and 2

(in unison) EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEE!”

THE END

Entry for August 29, 2006

August 29, 2006

POPPED CULTURE THEATER
episode 009, 1st draft
“MARIAH CAREY”
by
Dave DiMartino

FADE IN:

int. theater – onstage

Sitting in his chair is OTIS FIGBY, dressed in white doctor clothes. He is reading a book with cover visibly titled THE LIMITS OF HUMAN HEARING

OTIS FIGBY

Otis Figby here, to tell the tale of one of the biggest-selling recording artists of all time. A one-time back-up singer who through a fairytale marriage and a series of lucky breaks became a vertitable living legend. Woman, goddess, and a phenomenon of our time, she is Mariah Carey, and this is her story.

Lights fade, curtain opens. Setting is control room of a recording studio, in which TWO ENGINEERS look at their recording consoles while MARIAH CAREY, on the other side of the glass, is reaching for and finally sustaining an impossibly high note.

ENGINEER 1

Don’t forget—if we mess this up, we’re outta here. I just heard she’s gonna marry the big boss man at her label!

ENGINEER 2

(looking at his instruments, dismayed, as MARIAH’s voice climbs) Oh my god, look! That note’s so high, her mic can’t take it!

ENGINEER 1

(staring unbelievingly as smoke starts rising from the soundboard) Sheesh! There goes the limiter!

Scene briefly cuts to visual of the ocean, waves lapping, as music cue reminiscent of JAWS THEME plays ominously. Then scene returns to studio, this time from MARIAH’s perspective, where studio window SHATTERS and engineers stare wide-eyed.

MARIAH CAREY

(with extremely thick, unattractive NY accent, ignoring glass shattering)So how was that, boys? Is it gonna be a hit?

ENGINEER 1

(with feigned enthusiasm) Yes, Miss Carey! Yes, Miss Carey!

ENGINEER 2

(with feigned enthusiasm) Completely off the charts, Mariah!

ENGINEER 1

(quietly to ENGINEER 2) Shut up, you idiot!

OTIS FIGBY

Smashing every sales record imaginable, Mariah did indeed marry the head of her record company. But sadly, it wouldn’t last. By 2001, she left that label and tried her hand in the film world. It was, to be charitable, a colorful time for her. And us.

Scene is a red carpet gala film premiere, with GLITTER conspicuously large on the theatre marquee. Surrounded by reporters carrying cameras and microphones, a dazed-looking Mariah is bombarded with seemingly random questions.

REPORTER 1

Mariah, Mariah, who’s your favorite football team?

MARIAH CAREY

(oblivious to the stupidity of question) Uh..the Dolphins?

REPORTER 2

I heard you love punk rock! Who’s your favorite band ever?

MARIAH CAREY

(puzzled by question, but answering dutifully) Uh..Flipper?

REPORTER 3

(pompously) Miss Carey, do you believe that life is a series of random occurrences—many of them painful– ultimately lacking any meaning whatsoever? Or do you believe that we were all put here for a special purpose?

MARIAH CAREY

(barely paying attention, looking preoccupied by her surroundings) Uh…purpose.

OTIS FIGBY

Tragically, Glitter was not the box office smash many had hoped for, and Mariah and her new record company quickly parted ways—though not before she was given 28 million dollars in return. Some thought her career might be over, but plucky Mariah fooled everyone. By 2005, her new album The Emancipation Of Mimi was a surprise smash among fans of every persuasion.

Scene is exterior view of large oceanside structure with signage indicating INSTITUTE OF DOLPHIN RESEARCH. Zoom to rear area, where TWO MEN IN WHITE COATS are speaking while dolphins frolic in large seawater pool behind them.

MAN IN WHITE COAT 1

Doctor Bender, I finally figured out why truckloads of that weird CD keep getting sent here!

MAN IN WHITE COAT 2

About time. Accounting is going crazy with all those bills we keep getting!

MAN IN WHITE COAT 1

(pointing off camera) Check out the Internet experiment. Somebody from corporate gave Bobo the corporate account number!

Pan to seawater pool, where computer monitor and keyboard sit near edge and BOBO THE DOLPHIN industriously types away with his bottlenose. Dollar transaction signs flash on monitor while music plays loudly over pool speakers. As Mariah’s voice shrieks wildly into the upper ranges, a dozen dolphins, heads above water, sway in time to music. Close up on two particular dolphins.

DOLPHIN 1

EEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “She is saying that she loves me and wants to marry me!”

DOLPHIN 2

EEEEEEE-EEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “No! She is saying that she longs to be MY soulmate!”

DOLPHINS 1 and 2

(in unison) EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEE!”

THE END

Entry for August 28, 2006

August 28, 2006

 

PAZZ & JOP BALLOT/1982                

Dave DiMartino/CREEM

 

ALBUMS

(BALLOT POINTS)

(15)        CAN–Delay 1968 (Spoon German import)

(15)        BEN WATT–North Marine Drive (Cherry Red Brit. advance cassette)

(10)        LOU REED–The Blue Mask (RCA)

(10)        ELVIS COSTELLO–Imperial Bedroom (Columbia)

(10)        TRACY THORNE–A Distant Shore (Cherry Red Brit. import)

(10)        THE SOUND–All Fall Down (Korova WEA Brit. import)

(10)        VAN MORRISON–Beautiful Vision (Warner Brothers)

(10)        ROBERT WYATT–Nothing Can Stop Us (Rough Trade Brit. import)

(05)        MISSION OF BURMAvs. (Ace Of Hearts)

(05)        THE CHURCH–The Church (Capitol)

 

SINGLES

1) Robert Wyatt–“Shipbuilding” b/w “Memories Of You” (Rough Trade Brit. import)

2) Marvin Gaye– “Sexual Healing” (Columbia)

3) Everything But The Girl–“Night And Day” b/w “Feeling Dizzy” & “On My Mind” (Cherry

Red Brit. import)

4) ABC–“The Look Of Love” (Phonogram)

5) Human League–“Don’t You Want Me” (A&M)

6) The Time–“777-9311” (Warner Bros.)

7) Psychedelic Furs–“Love My Way” (Columbia)

8) The Cure–“Let’s Go To Bed” b/w “Just One Kiss” (Fiction Brit. import)

9) Peter Gabriel–“Shock The Monkey” (Geffen)

10) The Jam—“The Bitterest Pill” (Polydor Brit. import)

 

EPs

Ben Watt with Robert Wyatt–Summer Into Winter (Cherry Red)

The Dream Syndicate–The Dream Syndicate (Down There)

R.E.M.–Chronic Town (I.R.S.)

New Order–1981-Factus 8-1982 (Rough Trade)

 

COMPILATIONS

Everything You’ve Ever Heard About … The Velvet Underground (VU Records)

Pillows & Prayers (Cherry Red 1982-1983) (Cherry Red Brit. import)

To The Shores Of Lake Placid (Zoo Brit. import)

Entry for August 28, 2006

August 28, 2006

 

PAZZ & JOP BALLOT/1982                

Dave DiMartino/CREEM

 

ALBUMS

(BALLOT POINTS)

(15)        CAN–Delay 1968 (Spoon German import)

(15)        BEN WATT–North Marine Drive (Cherry Red Brit. advance cassette)

(10)        LOU REED–The Blue Mask (RCA)

(10)        ELVIS COSTELLO–Imperial Bedroom (Columbia)

(10)        TRACY THORNE–A Distant Shore (Cherry Red Brit. import)

(10)        THE SOUND–All Fall Down (Korova WEA Brit. import)

(10)        VAN MORRISON–Beautiful Vision (Warner Brothers)

(10)        ROBERT WYATT–Nothing Can Stop Us (Rough Trade Brit. import)

(05)        MISSION OF BURMAvs. (Ace Of Hearts)

(05)        THE CHURCH–The Church (Capitol)

 

SINGLES

1) Robert Wyatt–“Shipbuilding” b/w “Memories Of You” (Rough Trade Brit. import)

2) Marvin Gaye– “Sexual Healing” (Columbia)

3) Everything But The Girl–“Night And Day” b/w “Feeling Dizzy” & “On My Mind” (Cherry

Red Brit. import)

4) ABC–“The Look Of Love” (Phonogram)

5) Human League–“Don’t You Want Me” (A&M)

6) The Time–“777-9311” (Warner Bros.)

7) Psychedelic Furs–“Love My Way” (Columbia)

8) The Cure–“Let’s Go To Bed” b/w “Just One Kiss” (Fiction Brit. import)

9) Peter Gabriel–“Shock The Monkey” (Geffen)

10) The Jam—“The Bitterest Pill” (Polydor Brit. import)

 

EPs

Ben Watt with Robert Wyatt–Summer Into Winter (Cherry Red)

The Dream Syndicate–The Dream Syndicate (Down There)

R.E.M.–Chronic Town (I.R.S.)

New Order–1981-Factus 8-1982 (Rough Trade)

 

COMPILATIONS

Everything You’ve Ever Heard About … The Velvet Underground (VU Records)

Pillows & Prayers (Cherry Red 1982-1983) (Cherry Red Brit. import)

To The Shores Of Lake Placid (Zoo Brit. import)

Entry for August 25, 2006

August 25, 2006

 

PAZZ & JOP BALLOT/1983

Dave DiMartino/CREEM

 

ALBUMS

(BALLOT POINTS)

(15)      THE CHURCH–Seance (EMI Australian import)

(15)      THE GO-BETWEENS–Before Hollywood (Rough Trade Brit. import)

(15)      VAN MORRISON–Inarticulate Speech Of The Heart (Warner Bros.)

(10)      AZTEC CAMERA–High Land, Hard Rain (Sire)

(10)      FUN BOY THREE–Waiting (Chrysalis)

(10)      SOFT CELL–The Art Of Falling Apart (Sire)

(10)      R.E.M.–Murmur (I.R.S.)

(10)      THE THE–Soul Mining (Some Bizzare Brit. import)

(10)      NEW ORDER–Power Corruption And Lies (Factory)

(05)      THE MARINE GIRLS–Lazy Ways (Cherry Red Brit. import)

 

SINGLES

1) The Smiths–“This Charming Man” (Rough Trade Brit. import)

2) Elvis Costello–“Every Day I Write The Book” (Columbia)

3) The Cure–“The Love Cats” (Sire)

4) The Smiths–“You Handsome Devil” (B-side of “Hand In Glove”) (Rough Trade Brit. import)

5) David Bowie–“Let’s Dance” (EMI-America)

6) Orange Juice–“Rip It Up” (Polydor Brit. import)

7) The Kinks–“Come Dancing” (Arista)

8) Stevie Nicks–“Stand Back” (Modern)

9) Ministry–“I Wanted To Tell Her” (Arista)

10) The Motels–“Suddenly, Last Summer” (Capitol)

 

EPs 

1) THE CURE–The Walk (Sire)

2) THE OPPOSITION–My Room Is White (Charisma Brit. import)

3) LET’S ACTIVE–afoot (I.R.S.)

4) STYLE COUNCIL–Introducing The Style Council (Polydor)

5) RADS–Scream Of The Real (EMI America)

 

 

Entry for August 25, 2006

August 25, 2006

 

PAZZ & JOP BALLOT/1983

Dave DiMartino/CREEM

 

ALBUMS

(BALLOT POINTS)

(15)      THE CHURCH–Seance (EMI Australian import)

(15)      THE GO-BETWEENS–Before Hollywood (Rough Trade Brit. import)

(15)      VAN MORRISON–Inarticulate Speech Of The Heart (Warner Bros.)

(10)      AZTEC CAMERA–High Land, Hard Rain (Sire)

(10)      FUN BOY THREE–Waiting (Chrysalis)

(10)      SOFT CELL–The Art Of Falling Apart (Sire)

(10)      R.E.M.–Murmur (I.R.S.)

(10)      THE THE–Soul Mining (Some Bizzare Brit. import)

(10)      NEW ORDER–Power Corruption And Lies (Factory)

(05)      THE MARINE GIRLS–Lazy Ways (Cherry Red Brit. import)

 

SINGLES

1) The Smiths–“This Charming Man” (Rough Trade Brit. import)

2) Elvis Costello–“Every Day I Write The Book” (Columbia)

3) The Cure–“The Love Cats” (Sire)

4) The Smiths–“You Handsome Devil” (B-side of “Hand In Glove”) (Rough Trade Brit. import)

5) David Bowie–“Let’s Dance” (EMI-America)

6) Orange Juice–“Rip It Up” (Polydor Brit. import)

7) The Kinks–“Come Dancing” (Arista)

8) Stevie Nicks–“Stand Back” (Modern)

9) Ministry–“I Wanted To Tell Her” (Arista)

10) The Motels–“Suddenly, Last Summer” (Capitol)

 

EPs 

1) THE CURE–The Walk (Sire)

2) THE OPPOSITION–My Room Is White (Charisma Brit. import)

3) LET’S ACTIVE–afoot (I.R.S.)

4) STYLE COUNCIL–Introducing The Style Council (Polydor)

5) RADS–Scream Of The Real (EMI America)