HAL: This album is Dio’s new, specially-priced mini-album, Intermission. And, of course, it’s the band Dio–and the man…
JESSE: Ronnie Jim…
HAL: Ronnie James Dio.
MARTIN: The other Dio.
JESSE: I don’t know…like I’ve said to you guys in the past…I think, you know, since we’re on such personal terms with the man–I mean, we’ve all met him…we’re intimate with the man, we should be able to call him “Ronnie Jim.”
HAL: Yeah, but do you think we should do it in print? ‘Cause then, the readers would want to call him that, too. And that wouldn’t be right, ’cause they’re not part of the triumvirate.
JESSE: Yeah, yeah.
MARTIN: Or perhaps a compromise…perhaps Ronald Jim.
HAL: Ronald Jim? OK, we could call him that. Listen, before we actually get into the specially-priced mini LP–and quite a specially-priced mini LP it is…
MARTIN: Let’s play it!
HAL:Well…didn’t we do that already?
MARTIN: I was just joking.
HAL: Ah, Martin, Martin. No, listen, I wanna talk about the editors, you know? Why did they give us this album?
JESSE: Because we are the triumvirate of metal–that goes without saying.
HAL: Yeah, yeah…but also, part ‘n’ parcel of our metal wisdom is a certain knowledge that the editors probably hate Ronald Jim Dio and we can tell by…
JESSE: How could they (pause)…how could they…(pause)
MARTIN: Say something!
JESSE: How could they? How could they hate the greatest man in metal today?
HAL: I think they’re jealous of him! This is what I suspect.
MARTIN: First of all, you guys have heard the cliche that “Good things come in small packages”?
MARTIN: Well, I’ve seen those editors. I happen to know that all three of them are certainly over 5′ 10″ or so…
JESSE: Well, are they holding it against the guy because he’s not?
HAL: They’re kinda handsome guys, but they always seem to, like attack…
MARTIN: You know something? You know, Jesse, just between you and me, have you noticed that Hal noted how handsome the editors were a bit too quick? Wasn’t that a little too fast? I agree that all those editors, particularly the editor-in-chief, is handsome, but I would never mention that.
HAL: Well, the only reason I say that is because there’s this really beautiful girl that works around the METAL offices–not in the offices, but an office nearby. And I notice that she’s always mooning over that J. Kordosh guy. I’ve noticed that, and I’ve wondered what’s he got that I haven’t got. And of course, it’s good looks, money–you know, fame.
MARTIN: Well, he’s got a job!
HAL: Yeah, but on the other hand, I’m in the triumvirate, by God, and here I’ll remain.
JESSE: I don’t think there’s anything…I don’t think there’s anything better than being in the triumvirate of metal wisdom, and I can’t believe that they’re making fun of Ronbo … Ronnie Jim Dio!
MARTIN: Come on, guys!
JESSE: He’s the Bob Geldof of heavy metal!
MARTIN: Who would deny this?
JESSE: He’s a saint! The man is a fucking saint!
MARTIN: There’s no need to curse! My question is: How do we know for a fact that the editors don’t especially like Ronnie James Dio?
HAL: Well, don’t you think that their “sarcasm” is a little bit heavy-handed?
JESSE: Well, give them the benefit of a doubt, Hal. They do that to everybody.They’re not nice to anybody.
MARTIN: That’s not true. I recently read a story about King Kobra, for example. That DiMartino, uh, he was real nice to King Kobra.
HAL: Yeah, and come to think of it, that Kordosh guy wrote a good story about Motley Crue in METAL, but he wrote a bad story about Motley Crue in that geezer magazine, CREEM. I hate that fucking magazine!
JESSE: The man took to task the Crue. The fucking Crue!
HAL: That’s exactly right. And you know, so what, so what if he’s a handsome, winning, intelligentish dude? Like he is! How dare he cast aspersions on the mighty Crue?
MARTIN: Well, let me bring it up myself. Holdship!! Heâ¦
HAL: Which one’s he?
MARTIN: He’s the gay one. Holdship, that fucker, he’s written in METAL and in CREEM about Dokken! He’s embraced Dokken in METAL magazine, right?
HAL: What did he say in that geezer magazine?
JESSE: He talked about blow jobs in the other one.
MARTIN: It was disgusting! It was about sex! What the hell do blow jobs have to do with rock ‘n’ roll?
HAL: You mean he was saying that Dokken were rockin’ dudes in METAL, and in CREEM, he was giving them the bad rap. And then he turned around, much like this Kordosh guy did with the Crue, he said they were pretty good dudes, in METAL.
MARTIN: You know what I think it is, plain and simple?
MARTIN: At least two of those editors must have small weenies!
HAL: OK, well, every cut is live except one on this really, really fine album. I guess the question is: Is this Dio’s best?
MARTIN: Well, first of all I think he means it the most from his heart, simply because–think of the title: Intermission. Mission, religion, God, Dio, it’s all related. Intermission, inside the mission, of good, bad, who knows? Take the Dio logo, flip it upside down, it looks like “devil.” Good Lord! Plus, plus I say: he’s called it a mini-album–Ronnie has embraced his shortness, God bless him! He could’ve called it a maxi-album, but he said a mini-album–from a mini-artist.
JESSE: He’s not even embarrassed by the fact that he’s wrestling with a hand puppet on the cover of the album!
MARTIN: Good Lord! He probably said to himself, he probably said to his manager and wife or ex-wife, I do not know, “Wendy, if Michael Jackson can do it, and charge millions of bucks for the Victory tour, then I can wrestle with a hand puppet and perhaps vanquish it as well.”
HAL: What a guy! What an album!
MARTIN: Wait a sec, I know what it is! The blues, the blues. Heavy metal. Blues. Yardbirds, right? King, B.B. King. Albert King.
HAL: “Lucille. Talk To Me.”
MARTIN: That’s what it is! It’s Dio as King –the man o’ googleplex, the number. That’s why the first track here is the incredible “King Of Rock ‘n’ Roll”!
HAL: Well, I guess we should inform the readers that there’s also a hitherto-unreleased studio track on this mini-LP that’s called “Time To Burn.”
JESSE: I think this is one of the poorest reviews that the triumvirate of metal wisdom has ever done, and I’ll tell you why. Because the man is so great that there’s not much to say about him!
HAL: Yeah, I’m actually kinda trembling. Like, you know how it is before you get to a Dio concert, you know, you throw up and stuff, ’cause you’re so excited? That’s how I feel right now. Even though we are the triumvirate, in effect, we are the finest metal reviewers in the world…is that fair to say?
MARTIN: We’re the best triumvirate!
HAL: Yeah, we’re definitely the best triumvirate! But even though we’re that–you know, what are we next to Dio?
MARTIN: Taller! Heeee!
HAL: But, I mean, really, you know, look at the back of this album–I’ll hold it up so you guys can see it. Doesn’t it look like he’s pointing right at you? Doesn’t it look like he has a personal message for you? What could it be?
MARTIN: I think Hal’s on the right track. When I see that picture of Ronnie Jim pointing at me, it’s as if he’s saying, “You, just one of our many fans, look at me–you admire me, you think I’m a good rock star, you think I have the best voice in all of recorded history, you think the band is fine, but, there’s something important that you shouldn’t forget! You shouldn’t forget that we’re people, man. We’re people who help other people. We are stars. We’re rockin’ dudes, and we want you to help your brother, your sister, your mother, your father, us…”
HAL: Martin, I’ve never heard you be so eloquent!
MARTIN: I can rhapsodize about Ronnie James Dio–’cause not only does he share my last name, I can rhapsodize about him indefinitely because…well, as you can guess, every once in a while, when I have a few too many at the bar, you know, I kind of like imagine if, in my early metal reviewing days, Dio and his younger band might have picked up one of my reviews and said “‘Dio.’ That sounds like a fine name.”
HAL: Jesse, you know where Martin grew up? In another city.
JESSE: Yeah, New York.
HAL: Yeah, well, once I found myself in that city and I decided to check the birth records just to see what Martin’s real name was. Martin’s real last name–if indeed it was Martin Dio’s birth certificate–was different.
HAL: It began with a “P,”and ended with an “A.”
HAL: I’m revealing, right now, that one of the members of the triumvirate might, in fact, be related to–might be–Ronnie James Dio’s brother.
–Hal Jordan, Jesse Grace & Martin Dio
(CREEM CLOSE-UP: METAL ROCK âNâ ROLL, JULY 1986)