Rage For Order
JESSE: I think we should talk about these bands’ names.
MARTIN: That’s a good idea.
JESSE: I’m just curious–well, “Cinderella,” we all know where that one came from.
JESSE: It’s a fairy tale.
HAL: Fairy?! “Fairy” tale?
MARTIN: Unthinkable! Well, first of all, can you imagine any metal band really calling themselves something based on a fairy tale?
JESSE: Well, it’s from a Wait Disney movie, as well.
HAL: I think Jesse’s right. I think it’s the one about the girl who had to go to the prom and she was late and the Prince…
HAL: Yeah, Prince was in that!
MARTIN: You’re thinking of Under The Cherry Moon.
HAL: Nah, I think this was pre-Purple Rain.
HAL: It pre-dates Purple Rain, but we’ve established kind of a link here…
JESSE: Was Prince preening and prancing?
HAL: I think Cinderella might be preening and prancing from looking at ’em, âcause…
JESSE: Are they wearing glass slippers?
HAL: No, but they’re wearing tutus!
MARTIN: Par for the course these metal days. You know, I think I know a little bit about Cinderella. I think they’re from Philadelphia or some area near New Jersey.
HAL: Why did they pick this gay name?
MARTIN: Well, I don’t know. Perhaps in these glam/rock/metal days of bands imitating Motley Crue, you know, like Poison, what have youâ¦
JESSE: You know, I gotta tell you, Martin, when I pulled this album out, I held it up and I said to Hal here, I said, “These guys are trying to look like Motley Crue.” And they are.
HAL: That’s probably not necessarily bad, unless you’re a hard-rockin’ metal band. I mean, if you’re just a citizen, and you want to look like Motley Crue, that’s OK. But if you’re a hard-rockin’ metal dude, you probably shouldn’t try to look like Motley Crue.
MARTIN: I think that’s true. I think that, like, actually, today’s metal bands, they don’t need to look like this and call themselves Cinderella. I still firmly believe they should call themselves fine, manly names like Gus, and they should be big and fat and have crew cuts and, you know, drink beer. They should come on stage with a “Tall Boy” Schlitz can–that’s manly.
HAL: They should smoke big cigars and play poker onstage, too!
MARTIN: In fact, if Cinderella were men, they should come onstage with big beer guts and slimy white undershirts and cigars, and they should drop their guitars and curse and spit on the floor and should open up each show chanting, “Don’t call me chief,” over and over again.
JESSE: And they could change their names to Biff, and in their encore they could do a rendition of the “Mule Song.”
MARTIN: That would be a zesty show! I don’t think there’s any denying that.
HAL: Yeah, and they should have liner notes that talk about stuff that real men like to talk about–like baseball, they’d have a lot to talk about with that, and prostate problems, and what it was like with the old woman last night, you know…
JESSE: Big time wrestling.
HAL: Yeah, that would be good.
MARTIN: And, also, how about this whole thing about bowling! Christ, that’s an issue that I’d like to know about. Is it out of date?
JESSE: You know, this whole concept is starting to get to me, ’cause I watched Ratt on TV–they won an award at the College Music Awards of something–you guys know?
MARTIN: Of course! I was there!
JESSE: They had “Best Metal Band” and they won. And, I don’t know, I might argue with that, anyway. “Biggest Drummer” award, maybe, but not necessarily “Best Metal Band.”
MARTIN: Blotzer’s a big drummer!
JESSE: Yes, he’s a big man, just like Gene. Anyway, what happened was they said, “And the winner is Ratt,” and Stephen Pearcy stood up and I thought he looked like Tiny Tim, and he made this very effeminate gesture at the camera.
HAL: Well, I’ll tell ya straight, I’m getting really sick of homosexuality in metal music, ’cause I love metal and know everything about metal. And I’m tired of…
MARTIN: I think as the triumvirate we all can say the same thing. We know an awful lot about metal and I think this effeminacy, if that’s the proper term, is not only disgusting, but it will be the death of metal.
JESSE: We not only know a lot about metal–I’d say you two know a lot about homosexuality as well.
MARTIN: Well, it depends who you work with. I would say that Hal and I have worked with a so-called “homosexual” for longer than you have, if you catch our drift.
HAL: Well, listen, since we’re talking about gay fags, we gotta talk about Queensryche too, and Rage For Order.
JESSE: There you go again, I mean, what is this Queen? “Queen,” you know?…
HAL: And look at the picture, you know…there they are, you know what they look like…
MARTIN: But, Queensryche are a little more–how do you say it–there’s a little more subtlety there. Because, of course, there’s “Queen,” you know, “yoo-hoo”–and then there’s “Ryche”–manly, Nazis, kill, death. I mean, that’s good. God save the Queen. Kill the Nazis. Kill the women. Kill the Queen. I like that. In fact, when I see Queensryche, especially the lead singer, I like his haircut very much, I’m inclined to be sort of attracted to him.
JESSE: It sort of brings you up to–sort of makes you think of manly pursuits, like raping and pillaging and murdering and…
MARTIN: But that’s not very manly. I should say…
HAL: Yeah, but I’ve gotta say, you admire the singer’s haircut. OK, he’s got his hair colored or tinted or whatever women do…just like a woman!
MARTIN: OK, look, he’s wearing a dress, isn’t he? He doesn’t look like a woman, does he? He’s wearing a dress!
HAL: Well, I’ll tell ya what…you know, this is clothes that my wife might wear, except for the leather gloves and all that stuff; but really, I don’t think we can afford these kinds of clothes, but it’s girls’ clothes! Not guys’ clothes!
JESSE: Where is the manly metal? That’s what I want to know.
MARTIN: I got a question! I’ve a hypothetical question: Look at these guys, OK? Now, what’s the name of this record?
JESSE & HAL: (In unison): Rage For Order.
MARTIN: Rage For Order. OK, now forget about rage being the “new rage.” Think about Rage For Order. Now, these guys have clothes that maybe they can hide a catalogue in, you know what I mean? Like a catalogue, like, say, from a transvestite boutique, so to speak.
JESSE: Or Frederick‘s of Hollywood, maybe.
MARTIN: And maybe it just came in the day this shot was taken. And maybe they’re really angry, they’re in a rage, they want to order, they’re rushing to order new clothes so they can look even more effeminate than they do here!.
HAL: (points at picture) Look, they’re running downstairs…they’re probably running to the post office to mail their orders for these fag clothes!
MARTIN: I hate them!
JESSE: And the guy over here on the right looks like Stephen Pearcy…he’s wearing his hair just like Stephen Pearcy. He kinda looks effeminate…
MARTIN: He sorta looks like the guy from that band ’til tuesday, you know, the ones with the weird small letter name. The one where you can’t tell if it’s a guy or a girl… I don’t like this guy’s looks. I don’t like his little spit curl, and he’s gotta pudgy lips.
HAL: He is a pudge!
MARTIN: Did he like maybe just take a drink of coke or something, or something else, and he doesn’t want to spit it out? I don’t get it!
HAL: Or “something else,” indeed!
MARTIN: And look at this, they’ve got this horrible sign. (Points to band’s logo). Look at that! The little arrow, the little logo–it looks like it’s…extending into–I suppose Spain or something. You know, Spain, the fascist rule of Franco. Uh, let’s take a look at some of these song titles. “The Whisper.”
HAL: (whispers) Yoo-hoo!
MARTIN: “Gotta Get Close To You.”
HAL, MARTIN & JESSE: (in unison) Yoo-who?
MARTIN: Anything else? “Newe Regal.”
JESSE: “Newe Regal”? Do you think they’re referring to Richard Riegel, who writes about videos for this very magazine?
HAL: I hope they are, you know!
MARTIN: Look, “Screaming In Digital,” “Rage To Live.” Screaming yoo-hoo!
HAL: Just like a woman would! You know?
MARTIN: I think we’ve made a good point, but I don’t really want to insult these guys’ masculinity, ’cause they have a song called “I Will Remember.”
HAL: I’ve got to mention one thing, before this review is done.
HAL: Well, I guess I should mention it now. The editor of METAL magazine called me at home last night and he said, “Hal,” and he’s really going out on the limb trying to keep the triumvirate around, you know, and he wants to see a little more fan mail for the triumvirate. That’s what it came down to. It wasn’t like a threat or anything.
MARTIN: Was that DiMartino?
HAL: Yeah. And I don’t think it was a threat, but how should we handle it? Should we appeal to the readers right now? To send a lot of letters about how great the triumvirate of metal is?
MARTIN: Well, you know, I talked to either Kordosh or Holdship. I forget which one, it was the one that wears dresses, but..
MARTIN: Probably. I don’t know. All I know is that they told me that they’re worried that some of the metal readers think that we don’t really like metal and that this is a massive joke.
HAL: Oh, that’s…OK, that’s what this DiMartino was talking about, then. I guess maybe, our style might be interfering with imparting the metal wisdom that we have.
JESSE: How dare they? I mean, I think it’s fair to say that metal is our life.
MARTIN: Let’s prove it to the reader right now. What would we do for metal? What would you do for metal? How would you prove your love and affection and, in fact, your stunning knowledge?
HAL: I would cross the street for metal!
MARTIN: That’s saying an awful lot!
JESSE: I don’t think that’s saying enough. I think what I would do–I daresay that the three of us might shave our heads, wear paper mache sex organs and sing, “It’s raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so wonderful,” in the middle of downtown New York Times Square, if it was to save metal.
MARTIN: I did that to get the 12-inch of the “Mule Song.” That’s nothing new! Nah, I think it’s time to play the “Choices Game.” Once and for all, let’s put it this way, Jesse. Uh, if you had the option of saving metal, and in order to save metal, we had to cut off your foot, would you allow your foot to be cut off so that metal would continue to exist?
JESSE: I think that would be a small price to pay.
MARTIN: OK. Uh, Hal, if we could cut off your hand, would you allow your hand to be cut off so that metal could continue to exist?
HAL: I’d allow my right hand–I’m right-handed, and I’d allow my right hand to be cut off.
MARTIN: What a sacrifice! What a vast sacrifice! Not your left? (thinks) But your left wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice.
JESSE: There’d be no more guitar playing!
HAL: Well, I couldn’t play the guitar as well as I do now, but I could play with my teeth, like Jimi Hendrix.
JESSE: Who, of course, has a fine track on that new album that Ronnie James Dio just brought out.
HAL: Thank you for mentioning that, Jesse.
MARTIN: Well, I think that maybe we’ve proven our love for metal.
JESSE: But, wait! We haven’t asked what you would do for metal.
HAL: That’s right!
JESSE: Would you–well, we’ve talked about limbs, now, we’ve talked about feet and hands.
HAL: And there’s not that many other appendages. Would you cut off your head for metal?
MARTIN: I think I would do that. And I think I would do a little more, too, to show my love for the God O’ Metal. I would offer human sacrifices–I would actually press the button that would allow for–I kind of tremble to say this–allow for the ready execution of both Cinderella and Queensryche. I would allow them to die–plus allow my head to be chopped off, to let metal, manly metal, the manly metal of bowling balls, beer, spitting on stages, and cigars in mouths, that kind of metal, to exist forever. I would do that.
HAL: So say we all.
MARTIN: Metal must live. Queensryche, Cinderella…must die.
–Jesse Grace, Martin Dio & Hal Jordan
(CREEM CLOSE-UP: METAL ROCK âNâ ROLL, NOVEMBER 1986)