Entry for August 29, 2006

by

 
POPPED CULTURE THEATER
 
 
episode 009, 1st draft
 
“MARIAH CAREY”
by
Dave DiMartino
 

 

FADE IN:

int. theater – onstage

Sitting in his chair is OTIS FIGBY, dressed in white doctor clothes. He is reading a book with cover visibly titled THE LIMITS OF HUMAN HEARING

OTIS FIGBY

Otis Figby here, to tell the tale of one of the biggest-selling recording artists of all time. A one-time back-up singer who through a fairytale marriage and a series of lucky breaks became a vertitable living legend.  Woman, goddess, and a phenomenon of our time, she is Mariah Carey, and this is her story.

 

Lights fade, curtain opens. Setting is control room of a recording studio, in which TWO ENGINEERS look at their recording consoles while MARIAH CAREY, on the other side of the glass, is reaching for and finally sustaining an impossibly high note.

ENGINEER 1

Don’t forget—if we mess this up, we’re outta here. I just heard she’s gonna marry the big boss man at her label!

ENGINEER 2

(looking at his instruments, dismayed, as MARIAH’s voice climbs) Oh my god, look! That note’s so high, her mic can’t take it!

ENGINEER 1

(staring unbelievingly as smoke starts rising from the soundboard) Sheesh! There goes the limiter!

Scene briefly cuts to visual of the ocean, waves lapping, as music cue reminiscent of JAWS THEME plays ominously. Then scene returns to studio, this time from MARIAH’s perspective, where studio window SHATTERS and engineers stare wide-eyed.

 MARIAH CAREY

(with extremely thick, unattractive NY accent, ignoring glass shattering)So how was that, boys? Is it gonna be a hit?

ENGINEER 1

(with feigned enthusiasm) Yes, Miss Carey! Yes, Miss Carey!

ENGINEER 2

 (with feigned enthusiasm) Completely off the charts, Mariah!

ENGINEER 1

(quietly to ENGINEER 2) Shut up, you idiot!

 

OTIS FIGBY

Smashing every sales record imaginable, Mariah did indeed marry the head of her record company. But sadly, it wouldn’t last. By 2001, she left that label and tried her hand in the film world. It was, to be charitable, a colorful time for her. And us.

 

Scene is a red carpet gala film premiere, with GLITTER conspicuously large on the theatre marquee. Surrounded by reporters carrying cameras and microphones, a dazed-looking Mariah is bombarded with seemingly random questions.

 
REPORTER 1

Mariah, Mariah, who’s your favorite football team?

MARIAH CAREY

(oblivious to the stupidity of question) Uh..the Dolphins?

REPORTER 2

I heard you love punk rock! Who’s your favorite band ever?

MARIAH CAREY

(puzzled by question, but answering dutifully) Uh..Flipper?

REPORTER 3

(pompously) Miss Carey, do you believe that life is a series of random occurrences—many of them painful– ultimately lacking any meaning whatsoever? Or do you believe that we were all put here for a special purpose?

MARIAH CAREY

(barely paying attention, looking preoccupied by her surroundings) Uh…purpose.

 

OTIS FIGBY

Tragically, Glitter was not the box office smash many had hoped for, and Mariah and her new record company quickly parted ways—though not before she was given 28 million dollars in return. Some thought her career might be over, but plucky Mariah fooled everyone. By 2005, her new album The Emancipation Of Mimi was a surprise smash among fans of every persuasion.

 

Scene is exterior view of large oceanside structure with signage indicating INSTITUTE OF DOLPHIN RESEARCH. Zoom to rear area, where TWO MEN IN WHITE COATS are speaking while dolphins frolic in large seawater pool behind them. 

 

MAN IN WHITE COAT 1

Doctor Bender, I finally figured out why truckloads of that weird CD keep getting sent here!

MAN IN WHITE COAT 2

About time. Accounting is going crazy with all those bills we keep getting!

MAN IN WHITE COAT 1

(pointing off camera) Check out the Internet experiment. Somebody from corporate gave Bobo the corporate account number!

 

Pan to seawater pool, where computer monitor and keyboard sit near edge and BOBO THE DOLPHIN industriously types away with his bottlenose. Dollar transaction signs flash on monitor while music plays loudly over pool speakers. As Mariah’s voice shrieks wildly into the upper ranges, a dozen dolphins, heads above water, sway in time to music. Close up on two particular dolphins.

 

DOLPHIN 1

EEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “She is saying that she loves me and wants to marry me!”

DOLPHIN 2

EEEEEEE-EEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “No! She is saying that she longs to be MY soulmate!”

DOLPHINS 1 and 2

(in unison) EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEE!

Subtitle flashes: “EEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEE!”

THE END
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