Entry for August 31, 2006

by

LAFF CORNER!

Joe knew he had been a bad man all his life, so he was not surprised to meet Satan at the gates of hell when he died.

“Hello, Joe,” said Satan. “Welcome to your new home.”

Resigned to his fate, Joe glumly replied, “I suppose you’re going to throw me into a pit of fire or something now.”

Satan shook his head. “Oh no, Joe, Hell isn’t at all like you’ve heard in all those stories. In fact, your eternal torment will be of your own choosing.” Satan pointed behind him to three doors. “Here, I’ll show you.”

The pair of them strolled over to the doors. “See, Joe, here’s what we offer down here. You can look inside each of these doors, see what’s behind them, and then tell me where you’d prefer to be placed. And that’s where you’ll spend the remainder of eternity.”

Joe found that odd, and, assuming the worst, expected some sort of nasty trick from Satan. “Check out Door No. 1,” he said to Joe, opening it. Inside, he saw a cavernous, fiery area filled with naked people shoveling coal under the watchful eye of hideous demons snapping whips.

“That doesn’t look so good,” said Joe.

They strolled over to the next door. “Take a look inside No. 2,” said Satan. Behind the door, he saw a massive vat filled with snakes, spiders, and what appeared to be giant, snapping lobsters. Also in the vat were the bloodied forms of people in apparent agony, screaming, moaning and tearful.

“Hmm, I dunno,” said Joe. “That looks terrible.”

The pair strolled over to Door No. 3, and Satan looked sternly at Joe. “Remember,” he said, “You’re going to have to choose what’s behind one of these doors.”

What was behind Door No. 3 puzzled Joe at first. It appeared to be a huge cavern, flooded with brownish water, in which thousands of people stood—water up to their shins—eating coffee and donuts. Joe watched, cautiously, waiting for some curious turn of events to take place inside the cavern, but nothing happened.

“Hey, this doesn’t look so bad,” Joe told Satan. “Here’s where I’ll go.”

Satan grinned, standing at the door’s entrance, and motioned for Joe to enter. When Joe entered, the door slammed behind him, and he noticed a large table stacked with cups of coffee and boxes of donuts. He grabbed a donut, poured himself a cup of coffee, and waded into the brownish muck. Upon closer examination, he noticed the muck bore the unmistakable smell of human excrement. It wasn’t pleasant, but he’d smelled much worse.

Suddenly, the door reopened, and Satan again stood at the entrance. “OK everybody,” he bellowed, “Coffee break’s over—back on your heads!”

Miffed, Joe looked back at Satan. “You’ve got to be kidding! That would be extremely unpleasant! No way!”

Satan looked puzzled. “What—you mean, you don’t want to do it?”

Joe stared forcefully at Satan. “Absolutely not!”

Looking preoccupied, Satan looked down at his wristwatch. “Umm…OK, never mind.” The door closed again.

“Boy,” said Joe to himself. “That was close!”

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One Response to “Entry for August 31, 2006”

  1. Abbi Says:

    why is no one else smiling dave?

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